Unbroken

SOLSC21, Day 25

I’ve been walking around in a daze today. I’ve had the ground under my feet totally shaken, almost ripped up. I am bitter, but there’s more to it. The emotions go from outrage to bewilderment to guilt to sorrow, and then back to outrage. I know it will all settle down by tomorrow; I’m not one to carry pain or negative emotions around with me for too long, but for today, I feel cheated.

I often brag to my husband about being able to read between the lines in conversations with people, about noticing those shadows that flit across people’s faces for a nanosecond when they don’t like what was just said, and, without a doubt, I did, somewhere within, think she was lying. It’s not that I didn’t suspect at all. For the sake of our friendship, I guess I chose to ignore my instinct. I let myself get used, and in retrospect, I think maybe I didn’t want to lose the friendship. But if it were all a farce, it wasn’t even friendship, so what was there to lose? Did she consider me a friend? Then why would she lie? Was there a lack of trust? I don’t know. No. I don’t know. Yes. I don’t know.

I’m broken for today. But the morning will be fine, when I wake up and realize I haven’t lost anything or anyone. I have gained insights into yet another kind of human being. I’m all the better and all the wiser from the experience of being lied to, of having been just a stepping stone in someone’s path to achieving their unscrupulous dreams.

What is this feeling?

Outrage to bewilderment

Bewilderment to guilt

And guilt to sorrow.

What happens

When you find out

Someone you trusted

Has busted that trust?

What happens

When you realize

You should’ve listened

To your Jiminy-Cricket’s voice?

What happens? 

How do you feel?

Does it seal

Your friendship forever?

What happens 

When there are questions

And only questions

With no answers?

What happens?

When you are torn

Should you tell her

That you know now?

Where do you go?

Who do you turn to?

She was always the one

There was never anyone else.

Will she leave?

Find someone else?

Oh there was always

Someone else.

Published by Shaista

I have been teaching in different capacities for 15 years now, from kindergarten to middle school, to even adults. I LOVE teaching, LOVE change, LOVE trying out new things. Immersion in newer teaching techniques has, for better or worse, changed me forever.

13 thoughts on “Unbroken

  1. The pain of a lost friendship is such a deep cut, and something that is not really talked about. I’ve been there, and it’s just awful. Years later, it’s still just awful, and I still find myself wishing we could be friends again even though I know that person is not actually someone I should want to be friends with, knowing what I know. Your poem was raw and captured your feelings so well. I’m so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah… i probably never goes away. You just tell yourself you’re better off without the negativity, but it never goes away.

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  2. Oh, I have been where your standing and I I know that the view is heartbreaking. I managed to move on…I missed them for a while, but over time, I got perspective. I hope you will be able to gain some over time, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will, I’m sure! I don’t really hold on to emotions for too long. But yes, like you said, it is heartbreaking, and then we move on.

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  3. Oh my Shaista, I felt your deep rage and angst here. Only you can decide if the friendship is worth the pain it takes to repair it after something like this. There is so many other factors to consider. Your word choice here is so precise and you set this scene in a way that brings us in emotionally right there at your side. I truly hope you are able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will bring some solace for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I feel stronger and better able to handle it after a good sleep. 🙂
      But yes, like you said, I still don’t know if it’s worth repairing… Time will tell.

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  4. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this dishonesty. I think the hurt someone who is supposed to be your friend causes is among the worst pain one can experience. Your final paragraph shows so much maturity. I hope a new confidant shows up soon. Peace to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh wow. I can feel your bewilderment and anger. I’m sorry this has happened. When a friend misuses us, it’s heartbreaking. I have had to cut people out of my life because they were toxic and it is very difficult. BUT you will get through it. Prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will! Time heals most wounds. And with the right perspective, I’ll realize it wasn’t friendship if there wasn’t total honesty. So what do I mourn anyway?

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This poem breaks my heart. You know, this breakage, this betrayal, it is uniquely yours. And yet – this story of a friendship, of a trust that his broken – it is universal to us all. You capture that range of emotions with such a keen eye and an earnest heart. I’m sorry that the ground you stood on has slipped away from you. I’m hoping that whatever happens with you, with this friend, with this friendship, will someday set you on a path towards healing. In the meantime…sending you strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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