SOLSC21, Day 25
I’ve been walking around in a daze today. I’ve had the ground under my feet totally shaken, almost ripped up. I am bitter, but there’s more to it. The emotions go from outrage to bewilderment to guilt to sorrow, and then back to outrage. I know it will all settle down by tomorrow; I’m not one to carry pain or negative emotions around with me for too long, but for today, I feel cheated.
I often brag to my husband about being able to read between the lines in conversations with people, about noticing those shadows that flit across people’s faces for a nanosecond when they don’t like what was just said, and, without a doubt, I did, somewhere within, think she was lying. It’s not that I didn’t suspect at all. For the sake of our friendship, I guess I chose to ignore my instinct. I let myself get used, and in retrospect, I think maybe I didn’t want to lose the friendship. But if it were all a farce, it wasn’t even friendship, so what was there to lose? Did she consider me a friend? Then why would she lie? Was there a lack of trust? I don’t know. No. I don’t know. Yes. I don’t know.
I’m broken for today. But the morning will be fine, when I wake up and realize I haven’t lost anything or anyone. I have gained insights into yet another kind of human being. I’m all the better and all the wiser from the experience of being lied to, of having been just a stepping stone in someone’s path to achieving their unscrupulous dreams.
What is this feeling?
Outrage to bewilderment
Bewilderment to guilt
And guilt to sorrow.
What happens
When you find out
Someone you trusted
Has busted that trust?
What happens
When you realize
You should’ve listened
To your Jiminy-Cricket’s voice?
What happens?
How do you feel?
Does it seal
Your friendship forever?
What happens
When there are questions
And only questions
With no answers?
What happens?
When you are torn
Should you tell her
That you know now?
Where do you go?
Who do you turn to?
She was always the one
There was never anyone else.
Will she leave?
Find someone else?
Oh there was always
Someone else.
Shaista's Ramblings 
The pain of a lost friendship is such a deep cut, and something that is not really talked about. I’ve been there, and it’s just awful. Years later, it’s still just awful, and I still find myself wishing we could be friends again even though I know that person is not actually someone I should want to be friends with, knowing what I know. Your poem was raw and captured your feelings so well. I’m so sorry.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah… i probably never goes away. You just tell yourself you’re better off without the negativity, but it never goes away.
LikeLike
Oh, I have been where your standing and I I know that the view is heartbreaking. I managed to move on…I missed them for a while, but over time, I got perspective. I hope you will be able to gain some over time, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will, I’m sure! I don’t really hold on to emotions for too long. But yes, like you said, it is heartbreaking, and then we move on.
LikeLike
Oh my Shaista, I felt your deep rage and angst here. Only you can decide if the friendship is worth the pain it takes to repair it after something like this. There is so many other factors to consider. Your word choice here is so precise and you set this scene in a way that brings us in emotionally right there at your side. I truly hope you are able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will bring some solace for you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, I feel stronger and better able to handle it after a good sleep. 🙂
But yes, like you said, I still don’t know if it’s worth repairing… Time will tell.
LikeLike
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this dishonesty. I think the hurt someone who is supposed to be your friend causes is among the worst pain one can experience. Your final paragraph shows so much maturity. I hope a new confidant shows up soon. Peace to you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, a good night’s sleep does wonders for the soul!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh wow. I can feel your bewilderment and anger. I’m sorry this has happened. When a friend misuses us, it’s heartbreaking. I have had to cut people out of my life because they were toxic and it is very difficult. BUT you will get through it. Prayers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will! Time heals most wounds. And with the right perspective, I’ll realize it wasn’t friendship if there wasn’t total honesty. So what do I mourn anyway?
LikeLiked by 1 person
True. It’s still can be difficult, to even not mourn. Give yourself time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This poem breaks my heart. You know, this breakage, this betrayal, it is uniquely yours. And yet – this story of a friendship, of a trust that his broken – it is universal to us all. You capture that range of emotions with such a keen eye and an earnest heart. I’m sorry that the ground you stood on has slipped away from you. I’m hoping that whatever happens with you, with this friend, with this friendship, will someday set you on a path towards healing. In the meantime…sending you strength.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! Writing and a good night’s sleep helped put things in perspective, and I feel stronger and, strangely, lighter now! Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person